Boundaries are about changing yourself.

When I was young and foolish, I sat in southern Bible belt churches and heard about being loving and kind, humble and peaceful. “Teach others how to treat you” was a message in being kind, loving and overlooking bad behavior to keep the peace.

My grandmother had taught me much the same when I was a child, so I had little reason to question these preachers. Women should keep the peace; let men lead was the message of those preachers that did not match my family life.

Women ran families in my community and in most of my family tree. However, I was desperate to be a good Christian and therefore stop having bad things happen to me, like abusive people in my life, or horrible bosses at work.

After all, the Evangelical Churches I attended all told congregations that we attracted things into our life that represented core things inside of us. “So within, so without.” They also taught, “name it and claim it theology” as well. New Age Spiritualism calls these same teachings the “Law of Attraction” or the “Law of Vibration.” It’s all the same poor interpretations.

I learned a hard lesson about boundaries when I decided to incorporate what I learned from the Christian Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend that I read in the middle 1990’s. Click here to see the book

At the time, I had a boyfriend who made insulting remarks that he referred to as “jokes” if anyone complained. He was compulsive about it. I told him to stop and he just continued. One day I said, “Nope, I’m done. Take me home.” He was shocked. We were on our way to a restaurant for a date and had been in his car maybe 15 minutes. When we arrived back at my home, I told him I was breaking up with him because he kept insulting me.

You can probably guess his response. “I was just joking.” “You’re too sensitive.” “The Preacher at Church says we should keep the peace between us.”

Okay, maybe you didn’t expect that last one, but we attended the same Pentecostal Church in Nashville, Tennessee. That is how we met. Prior to this date, I had told him I didn’t like how he spoke to me numerous times but I never threatened to end our relationship over it. I didn’t believe in threats then or now.

He convinced me to give him another chance about a month later with hours of phone calls.. I had the wrong ideas that if I set a boundary and he knew I was serious, he would change in order to not lose me in his life.

The next date, we were driving to the same restaurant (it was my favorite) and we were about at the same place on the highway when he insulted me again. Not much more than 15 minutes from picking me up. I demanded that he take me home and when we arrived there, I went inside and locked the door.

Through the locked door, I told him we were permanently done and he was trespassing. I had to call the police before he left.

The boundary didn’t change him at all. But, it made a huge change in me. That was the first domino to fall and to be honest, not enough of them fell. I didn’t like being “mean” and “controlling” so I often went back to overlooking things and keeping the peace.

Years later, I faced the ugly truth about the impact of not making the changes boundaries were designed to do for me.

Recently I had a Psychic Reading for a lovely woman and the Spirit Guides and Angels conveyed the need for her to set boundaries with people in her life. As I related this to her, I realized that she saw boundaries as limiting others and making them act different.

It was difficult to show her that the change was about her not them.

Being the “sovereign” of your life is a common theme I tell clients I work with.

The ruler of one’s life has a duty to keep strong boundaries and not allow her territory to be invaded and taken over by even a friendly neighbor, boyfriend, family member, relative, coworker, boss. But, this means not making idle threats, or forever and again over and over warning the other person. It means loving yourself, caring for yourself to the point that you are willing to put anyone who doesn’t respect you out of your life. It means being willing to be alone temporarily if needed to change who you associate with.

When you have people who slip up a little, but don’t intend to be harmful to you, overlooking an unintentional insult, or taking advantage of your good nature by asking for too  much too often makes sense. It is not needed that you end all friendships with people for mistakes they regret. But, it is usually not a pattern that repeats over and over in those situations.

These are the problem situations that need boundaries:

• The friend, neighbor, family member, significant other, coworker who has to be told occasionally that you don’t like insults and don’t find them funny.

• Or, that you feel taken advantage of and would like more consideration.

• It is when your wellbeing,

• your financial health,

• your security,

• your peaceful home is regularly harmed by someone that boundaries are important.

  Just remember, the boundary won’t change someone who acts so badly. These self-involved people (that some might call “Narcissists” in the trending manner) are abusive by their nature.

They enjoy getting reactions from others and provoke others for the feeling of power that this gives them. They do not change. However, you can change.

Boundaries are about you stating what you will allow to be in your life.

In Narcissistic Abuse discussions what I am referring to is going “no contact” or, in some situations “limited contact.” It comes down to ending your relationship with them.

I just want to be clear that this does not mean you insist they change “or else” because I’m telling you repeatedly here, that does not work. They will not change more than just temporarily. The pattern will return if you stay connected to them.

Boundaries are not about you getting them to change. It is about you changing into someone who is willing to put up walls.

I chose the picture for this video to show how walls are great places for blooming to occur.